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General => Simple Insanity => Topic started by: Don Desfosse on April 26, 2013, 10:46:39 pm

Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on April 26, 2013, 10:46:39 pm
Not to take anything away from the VATSIM forum thread of a similar name, but....  Feel free to add here if there is something VATUSA related that just cracks you up....


I'll start with this one....

This could be one of my all-time favorites....  From the flight plan comments of a pilot flying as Air Force One tonight:

[!--quoteo--][div class=\\\'quotetop\\\']QUOTE [/div][div class=\\\'quotemain\\\'][!--quotec--]/ V / CALLSIGN AIR FORCE ONE / +2000 HRS PROMISE I WILL NOT SCREAM MAYDAY / / V / USING CHARTS /[/quote]
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Dylan Lundberg on April 26, 2013, 11:07:36 pm
Quote from: Don Desfosse
Not to take anything away from the VATSIM forum thread of a similar name, but....  Feel free to add here if there is something VATUSA related that just cracks you up....


I'll start with this one....

This could be one of my all-time favorites....  From the flight plan comments of a pilot flying as Air Force One tonight:

[!--quoteo--][div class=\\\'quotetop\\\']QUOTE [/div][div class=\\\'quotemain\\\'][!--quotec--]Center: Welcome to KLAS, exit right when able, taxi to the gate via X, squawk standby.
Pilot: Uhm....Which frequency is standby again?
*About 30 Seconds of Radio Silence*
Random Pilot: 7500..[/quote]
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on April 27, 2013, 02:20:43 am
ROFL!  Followed shortly thereafter by a blip disappearing off of a few radar screens, I imagine!  Awesome!
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kenneth Bambach on April 27, 2013, 02:26:32 pm
Funny that you mention Air Force One Don. I had one of those last night departing KMIA to KJFK.  He's 10 minutes out of Miami when he reports that he needs to return because they didn't take on enough fuel to make it to Kennedy. Says he needs to go back to Miami to take on more fuel for the trip and that "POTUS is pissed".  With that, some anonymous pilot says on freq "Looks like someone is going to get fired tonight"
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Brighton McMinn on April 28, 2013, 08:25:51 pm
While on FTW_CTR this evening, callsigns have been replaced:

A501 (who is British)
AAL123 (American)

I have cleared A501 to land 15R at an unidentified AFB (it's a matter of national security )

A501: "Uh, CTR, this is A501, looks like we made a mistake and landed RWY 17."
Me: "A501, not a problem sir, exit left when able and taxi to parking via A."
AAL123: "Last time I was there real-world, the NOTAMS showed that runway closed!"
A501: "Well, they make exceptions for the British."

Thought that was some quick thinking and a witty response!
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Mark Hubbert on April 30, 2013, 09:57:51 am
There is a fix in the Memphis airspace called BARFF.  It is part of the TAMMY4 and MARVELL arrivals.  I always got good laughs from pilots and a good knee slapping chuckle for myself when I would tell an aircraft  "You are cleared to BARFF".
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Mark Dalforno on May 02, 2013, 10:36:57 am
One of my more memorable moments working San Francisco Tower a few years back;

To set the scene, we were in normal operations which had aircraft arriving 28's and departing 1's.   The 28's come in along the bay shoreline to the airport where the departure end of runway 1L/R is the water(bay).


ME:  SWA704, San Francisco Tower, Traffic departing the northbound on the crossing runway prior to your arrival, a Airbus A320, Wind 280 at 5, Runway 28R, Cleared to land.

SWA704:  Roger Cleared to land 28R and Will be looking for the Airbus

ME:  UAL1598, San Franisco Tower, Wind 280 at 5, Runway 1R, Cleared for Takeoff.

UAL1598:  Rolling 1R

<approx 1 min passes>

SWA704:  Tower, SWA704 has an aircraft in sight but it appears to be a sea plane, still negative visual on the airbus.

<10 seconds of silence>

(Obvisouly was the UAL):  Yeah Yeah Yeah, Its us in the bay, apparently we took our Airbus sim to a whole new level by simulating the fly-by-wire controls however we forgot to plugin our fly-by-wire joystick to the computer.

SWA704:  Tower, SWA704 would like make this a low approach fly by to honor the pilot in the Scarebus....We are proud to always be going in our boeing.  

<Followed by lots of laughter on frequency>
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on May 07, 2013, 11:11:04 am
Just seen on Unicom:

[!--quoteo--][div class=\\\'quotetop\\\']QUOTE [/div][div class=\\\'quotemain\\\'][!--quotec--]KORD APP, I'm entering the finish.  Landing on Runway 37L.[/quote]
 
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Stephen O'Hara on June 06, 2013, 04:43:34 pm
So I log on and fine one pilot with a flightplan between 2 European airports  Stopped on the Taxiway

[17:18:55] ATL_1_CTR: what are your intentions?
[17:19:41] Pilot: recover from FSX crash
[17:28:40] Pilot: holding short ready for dep stright in
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Tom Seeley on June 07, 2013, 09:05:20 am
Had this one this morning:

ME: COA123 the preferred route to KBOS is MERIT STRKK KRANN3. Can you accept that?
COA123: Yes sir
ME: COA123 cleared to KBOS via radar vectors MERIT, STRKK and the KRANN3 RNAV arrival. (rest of clearance)
PILOT: Cleared to KBOS via radar vectors MERIT then as filed (etc.)
Departs on assigned 055 heading, climbs to initial altitude, then:
COA123: Sir, when you say radar vectors MERIT, what do you mean?
ME: It means you will be given an initial heading to the fix MERIT, where you will resume your own navigation to Boston.
COA123: But MERIT is not in my flight plan.
Me:  [img]http://www.smileyvault.com/albums/userpics/10172/hit_head.gif\\\" border=\\\"0\\\" class=\\\"linked-image\\\" /]
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on June 07, 2013, 12:39:35 pm
Heh....  Had that happen before too!


A gem from last night.  Had a missed approach after visual approach and landing clearances off of Runway 24 at KBDL.  Runway heading, 3000, state the reason for the missed approach, and would you like another visual, or an ILS?

DALxxx:  I'll take the ILS to Runway 64.
Me: [a moment of stunned silence, quiet chuckling off frequency....]
BOS_CTR:  Sorry, sir, there isn't an ILS to Runway 64 available tonight.
DALxxx:  No, you don't understand.  I didn't see Runway 64 with the visual.  I need the ILS to 64!
BOS_CTR:  Sir, I'm sure you couldn't see Runway 64 visually tonight.  But I can't give you an ILS to Runway 64.  Would you like the ILS to Runway 24 instead?
DALxxx:  NO!  I want the ILS to Runway 64 or I will report you to a Supervisor.
BOS_CTR:  Sir, actually, I am a Supervisor.  Do you have charts on board?
DALxxx:  Yes!
BOS_CTR:  Super.  If you tell me the frequency for the ILS Runway 64, I'll give you as many of those approaches as you like all night long and will hand deliver a case of Sam Adams Summer to your doorstep tomorrow morning.
[about 20 seconds of silence]
DALxxx:  Um, can I have the ILS to 24?
BOS_CTR:  Absolutely, you can expect that.  Turn left heading......

;-)


[Just so nobody thinks there were hard feelings, he PM'd me a short while later with an "Oops, thanks!" and we had a good chuckle!]
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Rick Rump on June 07, 2013, 02:07:50 pm
Somebody was watching way too many airplane disaster movies
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on August 02, 2013, 12:29:31 am
MSP_APP: "DAL2032, Minneapolis Approach, expect the visual approach runway 30L."
DAL2032: "Approach, I'm way too drunk for the visual."
MSP_APP, without missing a beat: "DAL2032, fly present heading, intercept the localizer, expect ILS runway 30L approach."
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on August 09, 2013, 08:28:45 am
A few gems from last night.... Apparently I sat down and started controlling during an Amateur Night event, and I didn't even see it posted!

Pilot: Boston Center, I'm with you.
BOS_CTR: I'm glad we're on the same page; I feel better now. The only issue is that I control over 165,000 square miles of airspace. How about another clue....

Pilot (not the same one!): Boston, I'd like to taxi.
BOS_CTR: Super! I've got 128 airports in my airspace. Which one of those are you at this evening?

Pilot: Sir, where is my push to talk button?
BOS_CTR: Well... I'd say you're pressing it right now to talk to me!

Pilot (on the ground at KJFK, not in Boston's airspace): Can you give me a taxi over?
BOS_CTR: You want me to call you a cab?

Pilot (another one on the ground at KJFK, a different one than the previous, about 1.5 hours later!): Hello, I'd like a taxi to Boston.
BOS_CTR: Um, OK, sir. Your best bet is to go down to the sidewalk, hold one hand out while simultaneously whistling really loud with the other hand. And, you'd better have a lot of cash! Suggest you contact Kennedy Tower on 119.1.
[5 minutes later I get advised by JFK_TWR that a NORDO just departed without clearance headed my way.... Guess who!]
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kenneth Bambach on August 10, 2013, 04:32:42 pm
I love amateur night! They seem to be occuring more and more.  Think I had the same guy in Miami the other night asking about where his PTT button was.  He asked on text so I advised him that I didn't know where his voice PTT was, however his text PTT was working fine
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kenneth Bambach on August 10, 2013, 10:31:36 pm
Had the best one in quite a while this eve. Aircraft is squawking standby at the h/s, pilot says he's ready for t/o. Told to squawk mode c. A preganant pause, followed again by that he is ready for t/o howver still squawking standby. Told to squawk mode c again. This scenario plays out two more times, at which point pilot says he is unable to squawk mode c in that his transponder will only allow numbers, and no letters, particularly the letter c.  Should have seen this one coming when he filed all the way to LAX in a 74 at FL220. At least he got the NEODD/SWEVEN right
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Mark Hubbert on August 15, 2013, 01:56:13 pm
The other evening I was controlling MEM_CTR and something occured that has never happened to me.  A pilot apparently did not intend for me to hear his cabin announcements.  The announcements began after I provided taxi instructions to 36L.  The announcements were actually pretty good.  I could not resist requesting a bourbon and coke at seat 14A; then there was dead silence.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Brad Lee on August 15, 2013, 02:39:02 pm
Quote from: Mark Hubbert
The other evening I was controlling MEM_CTR and something occured that has never happened to me.  A pilot apparently did not intend for me to hear his cabin announcements.  The announcements began after I provided taxi instructions to 36L.  The announcements were actually pretty good.  I could not resist requesting a bourbon and coke at seat 14A; then there was dead silence.

That's actually occurred real-world:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuUgerUGYqA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuUgerUGYqA)
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on August 15, 2013, 08:10:33 pm
Oh, at least several times.....

Welcome to New York!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOJRYPAFgkQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOJRYPAFgkQ)
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Fred Michaels on August 17, 2013, 11:45:59 am
Quote from: Mark Hubbert
The other evening I was controlling MEM_CTR and something occured that has never happened to me.  A pilot apparently did not intend for me to hear his cabin announcements.  The announcements began after I provided taxi instructions to 36L.  The announcements were actually pretty good.  I could not resist requesting a bourbon and coke at seat 14A; then there was dead silence.

Actually had this happen a few weeks ago. Once the pilot was completed, simply said on frequency "EGFXXX, we'd like to know if you are a cashless carrier. We'd like to order." As the person was flying north, coordinated with Jacksonville Center and after the hand off, Jacksonville inquired "Yes, EGFXXXX, do you carry Coke or Pepsi products?" Pilot took it in stride the entire way and everyone had a great laugh.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on September 30, 2013, 11:23:31 pm
Best response award goes to Cardin Pelletier from ZME:

[04:10:29] [ATC] VATUSA1: Just because the federal government just shut down, don't worry, you are all essential personnel! Please continue to log on as much as possible!
[04:16:28] [ATC] VATUSA1: Good night, USA!
[04:16:49] [ATC] MEM_APP: Goodnight Captain America
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Charan Kumar on September 30, 2013, 11:53:30 pm
XXX297: XXX297 has a 13mo psngr on board who's getting a bit fussy. Captain may need to step away on short notice for a minute or two at one point.
Me: np, i don't suppose calling the Flight Attendant would end well for you.
XXX297: Negative, that would involve crash landing and sleeping in the cargo bay.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Brad Lee on October 05, 2013, 03:11:06 am
Quote from: Charan Kumar
XXX297: XXX297 has a 13mo psngr on board who's getting a bit fussy. Captain may need to step away on short notice for a minute or two at one point.
Me: np, i don't suppose calling the Flight Attendant would end well for you.
XXX297: Negative, that would involve crash landing and sleeping in the cargo bay.


I've had a curious 13mo visitor in the tower cab and radar room before. And a fussy one. Keep having to tell her not to unplug the controller's mic. That and carefully advise the local sup that I have traffic, please control all visitors.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on October 11, 2013, 08:35:30 am
XXX_CTR: CAYXXX, descend and maintain 6000.
CAYXXX: Down to 6000, yeah, we're high.
XXX_CTR: That's OK, you're high and I'm drunk, we'll find a way to make it work.

The funnier thing is about 10 seconds later, my boss, who was flying through my airspace, PM'd me and asked if I was really drunk....  (For the record, I wasn't!)
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Davor Kusec on October 12, 2013, 12:08:27 pm
  Classic Don! haha Nice
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Evan Waldron on October 12, 2013, 04:43:12 pm
Was flying into KDFW and saw this in the FTW_CTR text.

DALXXXX: Hello
CTR: DALXXXX, hi.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Evan Waldron on October 12, 2013, 08:59:11 pm
Also saw this coming to KORD on UNICOM.

UALXXXX: ORD tfc proceeding direct ADELL...looks like we're going to be rolling in the deep and setting fire to the rain over Chicago.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Christos Kokkinomagoulos on October 17, 2013, 09:35:10 pm
[!--quoteo--][div class=\\\'quotetop\\\']QUOTE [/div][div class=\\\'quotemain\\\'][!--quotec--]Was flying into KDFW and saw this in the FTW_CTR text.

DALXXXX: Hello
CTR: DALXXXX, hi.[/quote]

I was the controller lol...

I've no idea why but I've seen a lot of pilots just say hi over the freq or PM and I reply back.
These are the kind of pilots though that haven't studied the PRC or anything similar before connecting to VATSIM and they end up taking off or doing something else crazy without saying anything else to me...

It's like if I respond in any way (or in this case just say hello) that automatically grants them permission to do anything  they want   .
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on October 18, 2013, 07:11:04 am
Ah the classic Class Charlie end-around -- you say hi using their callsign and then all heck breaks loose!  Used to test my students' knowledge on Class C communication requirements that way when doing Class C Approach training

(Disclaimer:  No, I don't really think that's what the pilot was up to...    )
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kenneth Bambach on October 18, 2013, 04:07:28 pm
In South Florida it usually starts out "Hola", before all heck breaks loose
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Christos Kokkinomagoulos on October 26, 2013, 09:20:24 pm
All of the following humorous events happened today on FTW_CTR's frequency.

 


Another aircraft (A320) was inbound DFW from the NE, the pilot failed to request deviations for weather. He entered a really bad storm cell which caused him to spin out of control and lose about 5000 ft (he was too high on the arrival anyway  ).
After he was vectored and cleared for the ILS approach, he declared a go-around over the freq right at minimums. The second approach was successful (or that's how it looked on my radar) until he ran off the runway into the grass by the taxiway.

He then sent this text message:

[!--quoteo--][div class=\\\'quotetop\\\']QUOTE [/div][div class=\\\'quotemain\\\'][!--quotec--]UALxxx: really not a fan of airbuses!!!![/quote]

And then he disappeared from my scope   .
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kenneth Bambach on October 28, 2013, 12:18:30 am
Had a guy the other day on text tell me that he was "airborned" as he lifted off the r/w on takeoff.  Not sure if his plane may have given birth to another plane on take off, but I wasn't going to ask......
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: James Anthony on October 30, 2013, 05:27:55 pm
Had this last night, after i landed and requested taxi instruction's...

XXX_GND: Taxi via P, B....
Me: Taxi via Peanut Butter XXX6012

Laughter on frequency......
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Evan Waldron on November 15, 2013, 07:16:53 pm
Just seen on UNICOM:

[!--quoteo--][div class=\\\'quotetop\\\']QUOTE [/div][div class=\\\'quotemain\\\'][!--quotec--]A/C 1: turning to intercept glideslope kdtw 21L
A/C 2: CLEAR THE WAY!!!
A/C 1: intercepted glideslope
A/C 1: 6nm out kdtw landing 21L
A/C 2: I'm going to land right through you if you do not clear the way
A/C 1: were landing different runways
A/C 2: Oh wait...21L...not 22L... My bad. Disregard
A/C 1: yeah...[/quote]
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: James Anthony on November 25, 2013, 07:06:09 pm
Saw this while flying in CZUL CTR!

XXX:8731 YES MON HOME!(Think he meant Mom)
CZUL CTR: XXX: 8731: wrong chat hahah....!
Me: LOL!!!!!!!
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: James Anthony on December 17, 2013, 08:45:51 pm
Had this happen a few days ago while on final into IAH

ME: TWR AALXXX ILS 15R
TWR: AALXXX Cleared to Land 15R, call the ball.
ME: *Laughter* Rgr, we'll call the ball, btw you got the from the Philly TWR Video didn't you?
TWR: Yep, being meaning to use it...
ME: I dont see how IAH works , no water near the airport..
TWR: Let's just say i put some...
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Mark Hubbert on December 18, 2013, 01:59:51 pm
I have been amazed at the funny posts that people put about others on UNICOM never thinking that I would get a good chuckle myself after witnessing a UNICOM post.  Saw this today while flying KDFW _ KSAT as AAL683


XXX___ - Radio Check
AAL683 - READ you loud and clear
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Bradley Grafelman on December 18, 2013, 04:34:51 pm
Quote from: Mark Hubbert
XXX___ - Radio Check
AAL683 - READ you loud and clear
Reminds me of this oldie-but-goodie from the VATSIM forums:

[!--quoteo--][div class=\\\'quotetop\\\']QUOTE [/div][div class=\\\'quotemain\\\'][!--quotec--][07:57:21] [...]: Cairo tower good morning radio check with [...]
[07:57:29] HECC_CTR: [...], font is crisp and clear[/quote]

It also reminds me of the time a text-only pilot asked me to "say again." I paused, stared at my scope in disbelief for a few seconds, pressed the Up arrow key and Enter, and was met with a "roger."
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Sam Engler on December 19, 2013, 11:20:29 pm
A lot of people are visiting controllers within VATUSA, so obviously, there may be the occasional location confusion. Well, I learned that even our beloved VATUSA1 isn't immune from it.

JAX_APP: RPA3257, Welcome to Boston, turn... I said Boston, didn't I? Welcome to Jacksonville!

Just proves we're all human, even the top people make a small mistake once in a while.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on December 20, 2013, 06:24:56 am
Oops!  Busted!  
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Zachary Beard on December 25, 2013, 08:39:36 pm
Had a good one tonight (Christmas evening):

Pilot: "Albuquerque Center, I gotta go offline, the Scrooge wants me in at 7 in the morning."

Cheers
ZY
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Justin A. Martin on December 30, 2013, 07:21:36 pm
I just had a good one on Washington Center. N12345 (callsign changed) departed a small airport in my airspace for the destination of another small airport in my airspace about 120nm away. He took off, and about 10-15 minutes later I was announcing to him that I was singing off. Here's what happened:

Me: "Nxxxx, unfortunately I'm going to be signing offline at this time. Radar services terminated, frequency change is approved, have a very Happy New Years and we'll catch ya next time around."

N12345: "Hey, no problem man, thanks for at least getting me off tonight." ... 5 second pause while still keyed... "oh wow, I just said that? haha... well Happy New Years!!"

Gave me a bit of a chuckle... I think he realized the pun before I did  

JM
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on February 03, 2014, 11:32:27 pm
This one from a Fedex MD11, having departed KBOS for KMEM, pretty much over JFK...

FDX1273:  Boston Center, Fedex 1273 Heavy, we'd like to return to Boston.  We forgot our cargo.

I haven't laughed that hard controlling on VATSIM in a while!
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Mark Hubbert on February 15, 2014, 09:39:43 pm
Not sure if this one will top any of the others but I found some humor in it.
This evening while flying as AAL683 from KMIA to KORD I received instructions that were impossible.  Having ATC services just about the entire flight, I was listening to all of the traffic sort of waiting for something.  So I am at cruise at FL350 when the controller sends me a message.  He was so busy talking to other aircraft that he could not call me.

AAL683 Rwy 27 taxi via S. J, J2 K2

I could not resist, I requested a progressive taxi from FL350
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on March 27, 2014, 11:49:44 am
(Hopefully) Only on VATSIM

CTR: AUA88, your flight plan says you're going to Boston, but your flight planned route will bring you someplace in Europe if you fly that.  Can you confirm your destination?
AUA88: I'm going to someplace in Europe.
CTR:  Anyplace in particular, sir?

TWR:  United 123, with the amount of wreckage you left behind and the amount of real estate the wreckage is on, both crash fire rescue and the Coast Guard have been notified.

TWR:  Cactus 1459, use caution, burning wreckage at the departure end of the runway, wind 290 at 8, Runway 27, cleared to land.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Christopher Mauro on March 30, 2014, 07:49:19 pm
**aircraft turns direct to CZQ on the PORTE5 after PORTE** (note: I felt like pulling a Don and telling every pilot that I can't fly the plane for them)

CTR: VRD123, verify flying the PORTE5 departure as published, it appears you flew direct to CZQ after passing PORTE (which is wrong)
VRD123: uhh, sir, it sounded like you were busy so I just turned direct to CZQ.
CTR: uhh, VRD123 roger no problem, but next time stay on the departure as published unless the controller clears you off of it.

Okay, please tell me that was not an excuse for not having the chart on board.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on March 31, 2014, 11:45:18 am
I'd have told him that deviating from his departure actually made me more busy....   And, for the record, I only had to tell one pilot that I couldn't fly his plane for him on Saturday during Cross the Pond.  That may be a record!
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Christopher Mauro on March 31, 2014, 10:53:22 pm
Quote from: Don Desfosse
I'd have told him that deviating from his departure actually made me more busy....   And, for the record, I only had to tell one pilot that I couldn't fly his plane for him on Saturday during Cross the Pond.  That may be a record!

Yeah true....and ha! that really is a record
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Cody Cochran on April 03, 2014, 12:18:31 am
Long transcript of a guy flying a 777 into KLAX that was pretty funny. Either he was a bit tipsy or had no idea what he was doing (Im going to go with the second one).

[04:17:13] XXX777: lax
[04:17:22] LAX_TWR: XXX777, Yes?
[04:18:12] XXX777: rade to land
[04:18:36] XXX777: at ru 24r
[04:18:48] LAX_TWR: XXX777, wind 270 at 12, runway 24R, cleared to land
[04:19:39] XXX777: ihding 180
[04:20:09] XXX777: what can i do
[04:20:13] LAX_TWR: XXX777, pray
[04:20:59] LAX_TWR: XXX777, Try turning left heading 360 then we'll see what we can do
[04:21:19] XXX777: ok
[04:22:39] XXX777: ok hiding 360
[04:22:56] LAX_TWR: XXX777, fly that for a bit, then we'll see if we can get you down on LAX
[04:23:04] LAX_TWR: XXX777, or somewhere close to that
[04:23:30] XXX777: im 360 n
[04:23:51] XXX777: ok
[04:25:34] XXX777: speed 200
[04:25:57] LAX_TWR: XXX777, turn left now heading 335
[04:27:01] XXX777: approger 335
[04:27:11] LAX_TWR: XXX777, KLAX is at eleven o'clock and 11 miles, report in sight
[04:27:33] XXX777: ok
[04:28:03] LAX_TWR: XXX777, cleared visual approach runway 25L
[04:28:25] XXX777: ok
[04:29:26] XXX777: ok
[04:30:01] XXX777: speed 180
[04:30:24] LAX_TWR: XXX777, contact Los Angeles Center 125.800, so long
[04:30:33] Error: Handoff of XXX777 refused.
[04:31:15] LAX_TWR: XXX777, Actually, stay with me
[04:31:19] LAX_TWR: XXX777, might as well
[04:32:04] XXX777: speed 180
[04:32:32] XXX777: hiding 334
[04:32:45] LAX_TWR: XXX777, hiding from what? I don't bite
[04:33:17] LAX_TWR: XXX777, confirm you have the field in sight?
[04:33:34] LAX_TWR: XXX777,  is at ---- and ---- miles,
[04:33:49] LAX_TWR: XXX777, KLAX is at ten o'clock and 5 miles,
[04:34:06] XXX777: alt 3000
[04:34:11] LAX_TWR: XXX777, thanks
[04:34:45] LAX_TWR: XXX777, Turn left heading 250, descend now at your discretion
[04:34:47] LAX_TWR: XXX777, wind 270 at 12, runway 25L, cleared to land
[04:35:44] XXX777: ok
[04:36:12] LAX_TWR: XXX777, wind 270 at 12, runway 24R, cleared to land
[04:36:24] XXX777: ok
[04:37:17] LAX_TWR: XXX777, Cleared to land all runways
[04:40:00] LAX_TWR: XXX777, Welcome to LAX, exit right, cross runway 25R, contact ground 121.65 on the other side
[04:40:03] LAX_TWR: XXX777, Congratulations.
[04:40:19] XXX777: thank
[04:40:23] LAX_TWR: XXX777, welcome
[04:42:19] XXX777: ok
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Tim Roden on April 03, 2014, 12:27:24 am
Quote from: Cody Cochran
Long transcript of a guy flying a 777 into KLAX that was pretty funny. Either he was a bit tipsy or had no idea what he was doing (Im going to go with the second one).

-snip-
Many a laugh was heard in the ZLA teamspeak tonight. fun fun fun.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kenneth Bambach on April 03, 2014, 01:22:57 am
That looks bad enough on text. I can only imagine what bedlam there would have been if that pilot had full voice capability. All things being equal, you may have gotten off lucky with him being / T!!!
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Cody Cochran on April 03, 2014, 03:30:38 pm
Quote from: Ken Bambach
That looks bad enough on text. I can only imagine what bedlam there would have been if that pilot had full voice capability. All things being equal, you may have gotten off lucky with him being / T!!!

You should have seen him land. Around 6 of us were watching in 3D mode. It was hysterical.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Tim Roden on April 03, 2014, 05:29:54 pm
Quote from: Ken Bambach
That looks bad enough on text. I can only imagine what bedlam there would have been if that pilot had full voice capability. All things being equal, you may have gotten off lucky with him being / T!!!

He drove socal approach to rage-quit by being on text, if he was on voice I think that I'd have been closing up shop on LAX_TWR pretty quickly too.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Michael Mund-Hoym on April 04, 2014, 01:56:08 pm
A little off topic, but is LAX_TWR considered a procedural tower?
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Bradley Grafelman on April 04, 2014, 02:27:27 pm
Quote from: Michael Mund-Hoym
A little off topic, but is LAX_TWR considered a procedural tower?
It is when I don't want to steal the... er, "fun"... and approve a PO for all of ZLA at any altitude.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Ryan Geckler on April 04, 2014, 03:11:02 pm
LAX is not a procedural tower, no. It just happens to work Bravo transitions via radar.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Michael Mund-Hoym on April 05, 2014, 09:32:24 am
Okay, thanks. I was curious why LAX_TWR would be issuing vectors.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on May 16, 2014, 08:34:03 am
IND_CTR:  DAL296, I show you squawking 6606.  If you could knock that up to 6607, that'd be good.
DAL296:  OK, I never thought I'd say this on VATSIM, but I'll go knock her up!
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kenneth Bambach on May 16, 2014, 12:43:30 pm
That's funny. It reminds me of a texter that one of our guys worked not too long ago.  Maybe this pilot had the right idea....


[02:16:10] hello, good night
[02:16:57]  hello good bye
[02:17:37] courtship via text ok? MIA_V_APP
[02:17:57]  courtship via text is the way to go in my book, id rather not talk to her
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Tony Jeppesen on May 17, 2014, 09:18:03 pm
Happened about 3 weeks ago while working SEA_CTR


DAL221: "Seattle Center DAL221 Requesting IFR Clearance to Seattle"

ME: "DAL221 state location?"

DAL221"Bozeman Int'l"

ME: "DAL221 your outside my airspace Salt Lake Center is offline you can monitor unicom on 122.800"

DAL221 "Roger thank you, by the way I don't know how to read charts, See ya in 20 minutes "


Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Michael Dugan on July 27, 2014, 09:20:49 am
Quote from: Tony Jeppesen
Happened about 3 weeks ago while working SEA_CTR


DAL221: "Seattle Center DAL221 Requesting IFR Clearance to Seattle"

ME: "DAL221 state location?"

DAL221"Bozeman Int'l"

ME: "DAL221 your outside my airspace Salt Lake Center is offline you can monitor unicom on 122.800"

DAL221 "Roger thank you, by the way I don't know how to read charts, See ya in 20 minutes "

It's not unusual for Boston to get requests from pilots in N90...but I've had on different occasions pilots requesting ATC from Philadelphia, Montreal, and somewhere off the coast of Delaware.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Jesse Kovacs on July 27, 2014, 12:01:42 pm
Quote from: Michael Dugan
It's not unusual for Boston to get requests from pilots in N90...but I've had on different occasions pilots requesting ATC from Philadelphia, Montreal, and somewhere off the coast of Delaware.

Yeah, we've had our fair share of pilots requesting clearance out of NY airports, too.  I also love that people think because the airport is in Ohio, it's automatically us.  Can't tell you how many times I get calls from planes on the ground at CVG.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on September 01, 2014, 09:59:30 pm
Right after he puts up .break:
XXX_APP:  I've had *****4***** arrivals tonight... I'm spent!
[unknown]:  That's what she said!
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Eric Kollat on September 05, 2014, 08:25:15 pm
More like the funniest thing heard as a pilot but close

[!--quoteo--][div class=\\\'quotetop\\\']QUOTE [/div][div class=\\\'quotemain\\\'][!--quotec--]XXX284: So this "CTR" controller gave me 38nm to go from FL340 to 13k
XXX284: Hold on while I turn off  the engines[/quote]
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on September 05, 2014, 11:24:08 pm
LOL.... I've actually done that.... (shut down engines, that is, after a slam-dunk approach)
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on October 06, 2014, 10:28:18 pm
"Sorry, sir, I fly a radar scope, not an airplane. I don't know how to run your FMC."
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Camden Bruno on October 07, 2014, 01:39:52 pm
Quote from: Don Desfosse
"Sorry, sir, I fly a radar scope, not an airplane. I don't know how to run your FMC."
Classic
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Gregory Bogosian on November 21, 2014, 05:36:58 pm
Uhhhhhh... Seattle center...  I cant find the Bay Visual Approach in my FMC...
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Evan Waldron on November 28, 2014, 07:28:45 pm
One of the guys in our ARTCC is the CEO of a VA, so when one of his airline's flights was approaching he decided to play a practical joke.

XXX117: XXX_TWR XXX117 with you for 18L
Me: XXX117 good evening runway 18L wind 160 at 12 cleared to land

He's now on a three mile final

Me: XXX117 go around, fowl on the runway
XXX117: Uhhh, say again?
Me: XXX117 go around, fowl on the runway
XXX117: *in a very depressed voice* going around, XXX117

I send him back to APP, and see him climb a few hundred feet.  Next time I looked, he was descending at a speed of 130kts (a stall, most likely), and at about 500AGL he disconnected.  Welcome to VATSIM  
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Brighton McMinn on November 28, 2014, 08:30:14 pm
Quote from: Evan Waldron
One of the guys in our ARTCC is the CEO of a VA, so when one of his airline's flights was approaching he decided to play a practical joke.

XXX117: XXX_TWR XXX117 with you for 18L
Me: XXX117 good evening runway 18L wind 160 at 12 cleared to land

He's now on a three mile final

Me: XXX117 go around, fowl on the runway
XXX117: Uhhh, say again?
Me: XXX117 go around, fowl on the runway
XXX117: *in a very depressed voice* going around, XXX117

I send him back to APP, and see him climb a few hundred feet.  Next time I looked, he was descending at a speed of 130kts (a stall, most likely), and at about 500AGL he disconnected.  Welcome to VATSIM  

Doesn't sound like a very warm welcome to me...
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Mark Hubbert on December 11, 2014, 12:45:47 pm
Today while flying.  I was taxing away from the gate at KLGA, stopped the aircraft to figure out where I wanted to go when I heard Bing bong with the following message:
LGA_TWR " Just came online if you would like clearance",
 I responded back in text "Sure, let me finish my cabin announcements
LGA_TWR "ROFL"

After departing I noticed that his ATC message stated "Serving ZNy Sectors providing services to all ZNY including PHL etc.

I sent him a courtesy FYI message and when I was done recieved a Thank you.

My next line was cya later, Autopilot is set gotta go serve drinks, one of the flightcrew called in sick today.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Zachary Beard on January 05, 2015, 11:49:49 am
UAL123: "We need to level off at FL340." (previously climbing to FL380)

DEN_CTR: "UAL123, maintain FL340. Verify that it's for performance?"

UAL123: "Yeah... I just can't get it up."

DEN_CTR: "Sounds like a personal problem."

Cheers
ZY
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Dhruv Kalra on January 06, 2015, 12:32:24 pm
Quote from: Zachary Beard
UAL123: "We need to level off at FL340." (previously climbing to FL380)

DEN_CTR: "UAL123, maintain FL340. Verify that it's for performance?"

UAL123: "Yeah... I just can't get it up."

DEN_CTR: "Sounds like a personal problem."

Cheers
ZY
On a similar vein from a past FNO:

MSP_13_CTR: "DAL469, are you able the WILDD3 arrival this evening?"
DAL469: "Uhhh yeah we can get it up."
MSP_13_CTR: "DAL469, pretty sure that wasn't the question, but cleared direct WILDD, WILDD3 arrival to Minneapolis."
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Cody Cochran on January 21, 2015, 05:16:54 pm
[!--quoteo--][div class=\\\'quotetop\\\']QUOTE [/div][div class=\\\'quotemain\\\'][!--quotec--]got a call from a Virgin in Atlanta[/quote]

That was the funny part.
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Chris McGee on January 21, 2015, 09:05:20 pm
ZKC: You appear to be turning southbound, do you have the airport in sight?
Pilot: Negative, but we have it on TCAS.

ZKC: Change to advisory approved. Good day.
Pilot: We can not seem to get a hold of anyone on 122.8
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kenneth Bambach on January 21, 2015, 11:21:30 pm
Quote from: Cody Cochran
That was the funny part.


Didn't think there were any left there.....
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Tom Seeley on January 22, 2015, 11:35:03 am
Quote from: Cody Cochran
That was the funny part.
[img]http://www.ltaviation.com/images/lmao.jpg\\\" border=\\\"0\\\" class=\\\"linked-image\\\" /]
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kristian Bauer on February 09, 2015, 11:01:38 pm
[img]https://s3.amazonaws.com/f.cl.ly/items/1m2a34122w2p3A452X27/Image%202015-01-31%20at%208.26.37%20PM.png\\\" border=\\\"0\\\" class=\\\"linked-image\\\" /]

http://cl.ly/image/3C3i1A2p0b3p (http://cl.ly/image/3C3i1A2p0b3p)
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Merik Nanish on February 16, 2015, 01:09:33 am
[img]http://i57.tinypic.com/255qao8.png\\\" border=\\\"0\\\" class=\\\"linked-image\\\" /]
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Merik Nanish on March 01, 2015, 12:10:18 am
[img]http://i58.tinypic.com/14lhkwz.png\\\" border=\\\"0\\\" class=\\\"linked-image\\\" /]

He was technically correct!
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on March 01, 2015, 11:02:36 am
OK, DAL1121, say canceling IFR....

It's an oldie but goodie....
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kristian Bauer on March 01, 2015, 11:05:31 pm
ATL_GND: ASQ### you're flight plan is not gonna work for me, nor any other controller in the industry. I'm going to send you a new one with what I'd like you to take...  
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Eric Kollat on March 14, 2015, 07:36:07 pm
So, whilst working Fort Worth Center, had an AAL behind another AAL. The second AAL was holding short of the runway.

FTW_CTR: AALxxx, Rwy 35L, line up and wait.
AALxxx: Okay, we're holding short and we're parked at the gate

Don't know how we got "parked at the gate" out of line up and wait but...  
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Chris Robison on March 30, 2015, 03:07:15 pm
Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Brandon Barrett on March 30, 2015, 04:33:59 pm
Quote from: Chris Robison

Title: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Erik Partridge on May 16, 2015, 11:04:14 pm
During Bradley Bash over private message:
JBUXXX: Boston Center I'm leaving for 5-10 mins to take a bath because I feel dirty.

Later:

JBUXXX: JBUXXX is back on duty after bath.
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Evan Waldron on August 11, 2015, 10:40:35 pm
Controlling APP this evening

VFR aircraft takes off into class C airspace

Me: XXX, say altitude leaving
Pilot: Say again
Me: XXX, say altitude leaving
Pilot: Roger, you have a good one as well

Not quite how that works...
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Justin Shannon on August 14, 2015, 12:27:00 pm
LAX_CTR: All aircraft Los Angeles Center will be right back
Pilot: approved, pls report when back
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Trenton Martin on August 14, 2015, 09:35:30 pm
This is about 2 weeks after gaining my S1 rating at ZID working SDF_GND:
Me: UALXXX, Taxi to Rwy 17L via D.
Pilot: Ground, I didn't know runways had letters.
At this point, I'm utterly confused. After a moment of silence, I realize what he means. Taxiway D is a long taxiway.
Me: UALXXX, are you talking about the Taxiway?
Pilot: What taxiway? I'm talking about this long, skinny runway. How does UPS have a hub here?
After that, he disconnects.

Welcome to Vatsim.
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Daniel Hawton on August 16, 2015, 01:19:34 pm
Me: UALXXX, Taxi to Rwy 17L via D.

Hopefully you meant: Runway 17L, taxi via D. ;)
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Dhruv Kalra on August 16, 2015, 01:19:57 pm
This is about 2 weeks after gaining my S1 rating at ZID working SDF_GND:
Me: UALXXX, Taxi to Rwy 17L via D.

"UALXXX, runway 17L, taxi via D"?
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Trenton Martin on August 17, 2015, 06:49:37 pm
Me: UALXXX, Taxi to Rwy 17L via D.

Hopefully you meant: Runway 17L, taxi via D. ;)

Yeah I did :) lol
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on August 24, 2015, 03:09:24 pm
The other night, a VIR B744, whose pilot had quite a young voice, was having a *really* hard time taxiing to the departure runway, and said to the controller, "Sorry, sir, I'm a newbie...."

Heard on frequency very shortly thereafter:  "By definition, isn't a Virgin always a newbie?"
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kenneth Haught on August 29, 2015, 01:06:43 pm
The other night, a VIR B744, whose pilot had quite a young voice, was having a *really* hard time taxiing to the departure runway, and said to the controller, "Sorry, sir, I'm a newbie...."

Heard on frequency very shortly thereafter:  "By definition, isn't a Virgin always a newbie?"

What a great way to start my day off...even got an honest to gosh chuckle out of me!
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Jacob Perez on September 01, 2015, 11:32:14 am
JAX_CTR: D/M 10000 right 140 vectors for APP
Pilot: okay D/M FL100
JAX_CTR: heads up under 18000 its not FLxxx anymore so i need you to say 10000
Pilot: RGR
Some time later
JAX_CTR: D/M 8000
Pilot: okay 080
JAX_CTR: Thanks for dropping the FL but you have to put 8000 sir
Pilot: Okay got it
Late...
JAX_CTR: D/M 3000
Pilot: rgr 030
JAX_CTR: you mean 30ft? that's awfully low
Pilot: *Disconnects*
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kyle Sanders on September 01, 2015, 04:44:06 pm
JAX_CTR: D/M 10000 right 140 vectors for APP
Pilot: okay D/M FL100
JAX_CTR: heads up under 18000 its not FLxxx anymore so i need you to say 10000
Pilot: RGR
Some time later
JAX_CTR: D/M 8000
Pilot: okay 080
JAX_CTR: Thanks for dropping the FL but you have to put 8000 sir
Pilot: Okay got it
Late...
JAX_CTR: D/M 3000
Pilot: rgr 030
JAX_CTR: you mean 30ft? that's awfully low
Pilot: *Disconnects*

Over in ZLC, it is extremely important to have the correct altimeter setting so when I hear a pilot that, like this guy, is obviously ignorant to the concept of altitudes vs FLs, I will usually say something like:

"Sir, it's not a flight level, it's an altitude. The altitude is with the local barometric/altimeter setting in your altimeter. Flight levels are when you bring that setting to 29.92/standard and refer to them as Flight Levels with the altitude represented by hundreds of feet. So please set your altimeter to ##.## and maintain #,000. Please also take a look at the VATSIM Pilot Resource Center that can be found on the VASIM home page."

VATSIM is a learning environment, so we can't expect these guys to come up with the answer on their own. Nor, should they be expected to understand differences like this on their own. Telling them the "why", when we have time to of course, often sets in their brain a little more.
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Kristian Bauer on September 05, 2015, 07:29:25 pm
"Yea, if you don't get it, I'm not going to explain it. But, BASICALLY..." (Goes on to explain it)
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Mark Hubbert on October 12, 2015, 11:52:13 pm
This evening I was preparing to fly (callsign FDX683).  KMEM-KEWR when this short conversation occurred via text.

FDXxxx - on BLUZZ1 arrival expecting 36C
UALxxx - expecting next day air Hurry Up!!!
FDX683 - LOL
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Yisrael Wealcatch on December 24, 2015, 08:37:12 pm
The other night, a VIR B744, whose pilot had quite a young voice, was having a *really* hard time taxiing to the departure runway, and said to the controller, "Sorry, sir, I'm a newbie...."

Heard on frequency very shortly thereafter:  "By definition, isn't a Virgin always a newbie?"

VRD500? I think he's still in the newbie zone. Just visited me last week telling me that he has ATIS information Kilo Foxtrot Lima Lima.

(I was on FLL_GND)
Title: Re: The funniest things heard while controlling/flying
Post by: Don Desfosse on November 08, 2018, 08:55:05 am
Gotta love WorldFlight taking 40-60 aircraft into airports that are way too small to accommodate 40-60 aircraft.... 

JAC_GND: "Giant 1471 Heavy, the aircraft in front of you is disabled, do you feel comfortable running him over?"  "Excellent, Giant 1471 Heavy, Runway 19, taxi via A, you may run over or through or however you like crush the 737 on the taxiway in front of you...."   And followed mere seconds later by SPK245 calling, having overrun the snowy, icy runway.... "SPK245, yes, I see you down there in that ditch.  Next left on Main Street, third left on Aviation Way, past the Alamo Rent A Car, through the fence, and you should be able to find a gate."  Yes, it was a fun time for my first time ever working KJAC (or anywhere in Salt Lake City Center, for that matter).  I guess I know why if they don't ask me back.... ;) ;) ;)